Terrain of Change


Within a month I reconnected with one of my friends from the organization in Texas from my young adulthood.  Over the Christmas holidays she invited us to come to visit her in East Texas; my partner declined but encouraged me to go.  So in February of 2009 I visited my friend.  She asked me some very key questions like what is it I wanted most in my life?  I answered peace.  Her answer was from John 14:26 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”  And John 10:10 “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”  Those verses penetrated my heart and spirit.  I was desperate and my life had been stripped of meaning, I had no peace of mind, and I felt completely alone; could Jesus and the Christian God possibly be the source of life and peace? 

Toward the end of the visit my friend woke me up on Sunday morning and informed me we were going to church.  She had a church in mind for us to attend, but we drove in vain so she found a second church and we arrived 45 min. early.  With that she said, “Let’s have Sunday school, too.”  She opened her bible and read Me Corinthians 6:9-10: you know the one that states that homosexuals will not inherit the Kingdom of God.  I had seen that on many signs at gay rights’ rallies held by hateful people who spewed unkind words my way.  My immediate response was yeah here it comes, you know the part where once again I will be rejected by God and one of His people.  As she read verse 11 “some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”  Something shifted inside of me.  I wanted the life and peace God’s word was offering me, I wanted to believe that God could see me as clean and holy.  With that I surrendered and asked Jesus into my heart.  I felt as if the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders and then quickly realized that my life did not please God, and I wanted to please Him.  I knew the decision would most likely cost me my long-term relationship with my partner and many friends.  In that moment all that mattered was the peace and life He was offering me. 

When I returned to Seattle, my partner had changed all the locks on the doors of our home and refused to speak with me.  In an instant I was homeless.  I stayed with friends and tried to plot a course for my life.  In the midst of all of this, God seemed to impress on my heart to move to East Texas… I on the other hand was less than enthusiastic about the idea.  My conversations with God on the matter went something like this: “Are you kidding me?  East Texas is the polar opposite of Seattle.  I will hate it; there are no mountains and the people all go to church and want nothing to do with gay people!”  Despite my best arguments God made it evident that this indeed was the next step in my life.  Complete strangers would walk up to me, shake my hand, give me money, and say something to the effect of “this goes towards your moving expenses.” 

Once I arrived in Texas my friend kept telling me I needed to go to church, and my attitude was, “Are you kidding, those church people don’t want a lesbian to walk through their doors here in Texas.”  Amazingly enoug God directed me to a church that simply loved people and wanted them to discover who they were in Christ.  I spent several months slowly acclimating to church culture. Soon I was volunteering and establishing a relationship with the staff.  My pastors met with me and shared that they had never walked beside someone coming out of the lifestyle and would help me find the help I needed.  I, on the other hand, had told God He could have a year to show me if this Christian thing was for me, and in no way would I be abandoning being a gay person because it was who I was.  God was beginning to heal my mind and body; today I am happy to say I am functioning at 85-90% of my capacity and no longer use any of the 31 medications on which I once relied.

God did not wave a magic wand over me and caused me to go from gay to straight.  I have had to take a honest and hard look at my life and what the word of God has to say in terms of sexuality.  This has been an intense process for me.  I have concluded for myself that Gods word is far more than a set of rules that we are mandated to comply with; rather Gods word is set of guidelines & boundaries established with humanities highest good in mind.  While I may not have a choice about being gay I do have a choice as to whether I will comply with God’s word.

Since I have embraced my faith I have experienced physical healing, inner healing and indescribable inner peace.  I have discovered that we each were created in the image of God and He desires each of us to live in relationship with Him.  In terms of Christianity, everyone who encounters Christ experiences a change.  Everyone.  “Change” is not about making everyone straight and married.  In reality, one’s sexual preference does not (nor should not) define who that person is.  If we are made anew in Christ, then our identity has changed from “ours” to “His”.  See, true “change” is about being made anew in the image of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 5:1).

More than anything I am a child of God.  We are more than our sexuality.  It is personal journey to resolve ones faith and sexuality one I am willing to traveling on.

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~ by hopespassage on August 26, 2011.

6 Responses to “Terrain of Change”

  1. Hope – I was not able to go to the Reunion. I really did miss seeing everyone and missed meeting you. I hope you are content in Tyler. From your writings, it sounded as if God wanted you to go. Remember, you can define who you are.

    I hope we can cross paths someday.

    Pennie

    • Pennie,
      I did not attend the reunion. I actualy live in Longview and I concur that God brought me here. The town is small for my likings but I love my church and work. I go to Dallas at least once a month an try to enjoy some of the culture there as I can.

      would love to meet and reconnect with you . Those of us who have been healed or recovered from Head injuries should stick together.

  2. Hopie, I am amazed at your story. I was not aware of the intense transformation you were going through since you left here. We need to talk so that I can understand where you have really been since you left Gig Harbor. I miss you and have hoped that you would find what it was you were looking for when you went to Texas. I will agreee that it seemed quite a change in environment, and I was not really sure it was the right place, but you were insistent and persistent. Let’s check in with one another soon! I am glad that you have found peace and resolve.

    • Val My Dear Friend,

      It has been a journey and still is. the depth of peace I have is beyond words. I am content and purpose filled. I love you my dear friend, you have always been like a sister to me. Yes lets talk, soon.

  3. Do you know how amazing you are?! Thanks for letting your story unfold for all to see. You will help many. Love ya girl!

    • Hey Ms. Tina,

      Life is an adventure and I am glad to have reached this part of my journey. I love ya as well you are another person I consider to be like a sister so blessed to have you in my life.

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