Why Part One


The goal of my faith is not to become straight, or be less gay.  It is to become all that God has intended me to be.  I do not identify myself as an ex-gay person this generally implies that a person will have an internal change in their desire for the same sex to the opposite sex.  I currently have no driving desire or attractions either for the men or women.  I cannot predict if this will always be the case.  I have chosen to pursue wholeness and holiness in my identity, sexuality and faith.  That in and of itself is a major shift in my thinking and perception as for the majority of my life being gay has been is just as much of my constitution as having brown eyes.  I have chosen to take a critical look at my sexuality and what may be the underlying causes.  In this blog I have painted the landscape of my life in broad strokes to give you a general prospective of who I am.  At this point I would like to take deeper look at who I am.  On the continuum of femininity I have always been bent towards being a tomboy.  I have always loved the outdoors, playing and watching sports.  That in of itself does not make a girl a lesbian, no more than someone who is prone to be a girly girl heterosexual.  However, it can cause a tomboy type girl to feel other than the rest of the girls in her life and gravitate towards hanging out with the boys.  This was most certainly was true in my own life instinctively I gravitated towards boys and boy things.

Next my parents played a key role in gender development Executive Director of Living Hope Ministries Ricky Chelette points out that for a child to develop into a healthy, happy, and adult secure in their gender identity; they must bond with their same gender parent and same gender peers he also states that it is essential for children to receive positive affection, attention and affirmation from both parents.  In my own life my parents failed to affirm me as a girl or a young woman or give positive affection or attention.  My parents consistently spoke these two messages.  “Why aren’t you a boy?” and “You were supposed to be a boy.”  As early as five or six I felt as though I had failed to please my parents because I had been born a girl.  My parent’s rejection of me as girl drove me to be as much like a boy as possible.  I also shared that both of my parents physically abuse and molested me well into my teen years.  These two factors are an equation for sexual and gender confusion. During my preteen and teen years my peers and other adults in my life began to affirm my sexual identity; they labeled with titles like dyke, queer, and lesbian.  No one reached out and recognized that I need to be accepted as a girl or shown how to become a young woman.  I was labeled and deemed a failure as a female, because I didn’t measure up.  In a very real sense I didn’t choose to be gay, on a subconscious level I concluded I didn’t have another choice.  I made that conclusion by the time I was 11 years old. 

Facing the influences of my childhood has been painful and empowering experience.  It has required me to admit the strong influence my parents and surrounding circumstances; have had on my sexuality.  This has not been an easy path and it would be easier to embrace my gayness than to take an honest to look at the root causes.

 

Her white dress crumpled on the floor beside it her dignity, honor and personhood.

All discarded for the satisfaction of her father and mother.

Trust lost in single and repetitive actions by those who were to cherish and affirm her. 

Now she survives through defensiveness and self-preservation.

Pain displaced, her very soul seared and left in vast need.

The girl was born to be now she despises and discards along with all things feminine.

Can this girl be restored? 

Will she ever embrace the royal robes of womanhood?

Many years later she has met her creator and healer.

Before her very eyes she does not recognize the image of the woman in the mirror.

She often feels that she has betrayed herself as she begins to clothe herself with the robes of womanhood from the inside out.

Can this girl be restored? 

Will she ever embrace the royal robes of womanhood?

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~ by hopespassage on September 18, 2011.

2 Responses to “Why Part One”

  1. Thank you for sharing, I know that must have been hard, but someone needed to hear it. God bless

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