A Closer Look at Why

Since I have embraced my faith, the need to answer why I was a gay identified  woman became a strong desire.  I could not readily accept the standard evangelicals’ ideology that I was not born this way and it was a matter of choice.  On the flip side of the coin I was conflicted by the easy answer that it was a matter of being born gay.  The impact of my parents inability to parent me in a healthy way; was one of the many developmental aspects that swayed me to identify myself as a gay person.

I have discovered , every person’s “path” to sexual expression is individual, however there are many common links that are shared by other gay identified people.  Same Sex Attractions (SSA) are the result of a complex interaction of a person’s personality, biological inheritance, and developmental experiences.  No one factor causes SSA and biology alone never determines orientation.  However,  most same sex attractions usually develop because social and emotional needs were not met during developmental years.  Most people understand that environment influences impact a child in significant ways. Family and friends, society and one’s experiences all influence how a person feels, how they view life, and how they act.  This has certainly been true in my own life

Dr. William Consiglio, author Homosexual No More and founder of Hope Ministries, refers to this myriad of social and psychological influences as a “conspiracy of factors.” These factors conspired or came together in the right amount at the right time.  Dr. Consiglio goes on to say that, causes are varied, such as one’s relationship with his family and peers, the ability to identify with one’s own gender, male or female, the degree to which a person’s emotional needs are fulfilled, feelings of self-worth or value, and early sexual experiences.

Anne Paulk, author, and former lesbian, conducted a study in 2001 directed at women overcoming lesbianism. Of the 265 women who responded, the results reveal the tremendous weight many preconditioning factors hold:
o69.1 percent experienced emotional abuse

o55.7 percent received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific sexual remarks that made her feel violated
o66.4 percent were victims of sexual abuse
o53.2 percent were verbally abused
o39.6 percent felt abandoned
o32.5 percent were victims of physical abuse
o20.0 percent felt utterly neglected
Of those who were sexually abused, almost 80 percent were molested by males. Forty-two percent of those cases were incestuous. Twenty percent were molested by females.

Until the summer of 2010, I never contributed the effect my parents and the abuse I experienced during my childhood had upon my identity.  Factors beyond my control made it impossible for me to bond with my mother in a meaningful  and healthy way. Secondly, I never bonded with other girls in a healthy manner throughout my elementary years.  My father never spoke positive affirmations into my life about being pretty or feminine.   My perception was I was less human because I was not born a girl.  I saw myself in many aspects as a boy, yet I also acknowledged that physically I wasn’t one.

I also had deep hunger to be accepted by my mother and father.  Distinctly I wanted my mother to give me attention other than her sexual advances.  I longed to bond with her.  Yet I never did the ongoing abuse built a steal wall between us on an emotional level.  Early on I grew to fear my father and his unpredictable and volatile personality.  I guarded myself around men and grew to not trust them.  The wounds of my mother and father penetrated deep into my spirit and now at 51 years of age I am finally healing from them and feeling the weight of the chains wrapped around my soul break and fall off.

I know that I have spent a great deal of time divulging the impact of my parents’ abuse to my readers here and I want you to know that I do not attribute their abuse and lack of parenting skills as the sole factors of my gender identity.  We humans are complex in nature and perception plays an enormous role in shaping our identities.

~ by hopespassage on October 2, 2011.

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