Preceiption is Everything


Perception is Everything

We humans are complex in nature and perception plays an enormous role in shaping our identities.  I knew from a biological aspect I was a female yet I never saw myself as one.  From early on in life I knew I was different than both my male and female peers.   In my mind I had convinced myself to think, act, and respond like my male counterparts.  Emotionally I was fearful and did not trust men and women were a complete mystery to me. As I entered into my teen years I carried deep wounds from both men and women.  I had been exposed far too soon in life to sex and my understanding of it was twisted. 

Female Same Sex Relationship (SSR) has very little to with sex!  I would venture to say that the majority of lesbian relationships are driven by non-sexual, emotional and relational deficits.  The lesbian struggle is not a sexual orientation problem; it is an identity crisis. Research shows that relationship, a deep connection with others and self-identity is inseparable for women.   Healthy gender development is derailed by the inability to attach to ones mother and develop meaningful relationships with same-sex peers.   This  is called Defensive attachment:

According to former lesbian and now Christian therapist Patricia Graham, defensive detachment occurs when a “legitimate need for same-sex love is repressed. An intimacy and identification with the same-sex parent is obscured in some way, resulting in detachment by the child. Subsequently, there is a distrust or disdain of the same-sex parent by the child and unwillingness to relate any longer to that parent. Even if love is offered it cannot be received by the child.   The child makes a conscious or unconscious decision to protect themselves by withdrawing  trust and affection. 

This is true in my own relationship with my mother and has colored the majority of my relationships with women.

Yet, I desperately desired to be wanted, understood and valued by women.  It was evident to me that none of those things were going to come from my parents.  So I began to seek out relationships with people older than myself generally 5-10 years older.  However, I was very drawn to women who were often 10-15 years older than me.  In retrospect, on a subconscious level I thought  they could fill the void in my soul for a mother.  While many of those relationships did involve physical intimacy, sex was not my end goal.  I exchanged sex for the ability to be held, nurtured, and paid attention to and until the last six months, I was driven by the need to loved and cared for by a mother figure.

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~ by hopespassage on October 22, 2011.

4 Responses to “Preceiption is Everything”

  1. Hope, this is incredible! Pastor Tom

  2. OMG Hope, I so relate to this. But it was my father that was never there and I was looking for the same acceptance and nuturing. I looked for it in my partners too. Although no SSA was involved, the basic need was the same and instead of looking to my Heavenly Father i looked to His creation. (Romans 1:25) Thanks Hope!

    • Brian,

      It never ceases to amaze me how the behaviors of brokenness are expressed; substance abuse, anger, sexual immorality, homosexuality etc. Yet at the core our wounds that break us and cause us to act out can very much alike. The Enemy of our souls would love to just twist our minds and convince us we do not need God in our lives or we are incapable of change. He does this to rob us of true joy, peace, contentment, and abundant life. My prayer is some how those wounded, broken and have lost hope will some how find it through my story.

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