From Preception to Idenity

If you have been following my journey you will recognize that I have carried some very deep wounds from my mother and father.  Those wounds created an almost nearly unappeasable hunger and thirst to be loved and valued as a person.  After all, to be loved and valued are basic human needs.  The abusive relationship with my parents confused my concepts of intimacy, attention, affection and sexual idenity.

“Children make excellent receptacles but are poor interpreters.” Unknown

My own perceptions easily formed inner judgments about men, women and myself.  In the last year I have become aware of many destructive inner vows I formed as a child that helped shape my sexuality.  My friend Sue Bohlin of Probe Ministries defines an inner vow as the internal promises we make to ourselves that become strongholds that isolate us and keep us in bondage.  She goes on to say “Vows made in childhood, often long forgotten, are the most harmful and often have far-reaching and devastating effects on individuals throughout their lives.”

Here are some of my own inner vows I formed in childhood:

I will not express emotion in front of others.

I will not cry in front of others

I will not let men touch me in that way (sexually) ever again.

No one will use me.

I will prove to them I am just as good as any boy.

I hate men

I hate sex

I hate women

These vows came as a result of my own experiences the perceptions I formed and the internal Judgments I made.  For example my life experience with adult men was a child was related to physical and sexual abuse; my internally I formed the opinions that men only valued me for sex and that I was not valuable because they beat me and used me.  Then came the inner vows, I will not let men touch me in that way ever again. I hate men.  My inner vows served as a means of self preservation, but they also shaped who I became as a person.  In addition to the abuse I saw myself as very different than the other girls.  I failed to form meaningful friendships with members of my own sex.   As a young teen I stood out because I dressed and acted like a boy.  Many of my peers and adults in my life began to label me as a queer and a dyke.   I became a social outcast in Jr. High, my teachers and other adults in my life failed to reach out and recognized that I need to be affirmed and mentored as a girl and woman. I was labeled and excluded as a failure as a female, because I didn’t measure up.  Within my own mind I concluded I was gay.  That it was something I had no choice about and there was nothing I could do to change it from that time forward I embrace myself as gay from birth.  I adapted the mantra I am who I am.

~ by hopespassage on October 29, 2011.

2 Responses to “From Preception to Idenity”

  1. I’m so glad that those self-limiting inner vows, even the ones from way early in our lives, are not too big for God to dismantle so we can walk in His freedom! Love you Hope!

    • My Dear Friend Sue,

      What you shared with me about inner vows was turning point in my life. The false perceptions I had about myself began to melt away and healing began to flow freely. I will never forget this experience and plan on sharing more about it down the road here.

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