The Power of Choice

As you have joined me in this journey, I hope a few things have become evident that have helped shape my own sexuality.  First on the spectrum of femininity my propensity has always leaned towards being a tom girl rather than a girly girl.  Secondly the lack of affection, attention and affirmation in my upbringing hold weight; as do the impact of the sexual and physical abuse bestowed upon me.  Yet my own inner vows and perceptions factor into the equation as well.

Then there is the matter of my will and choices.

That’s right I said it “the matter of my will and choices.”  As a teen I began to make my own choices about where I would go, what I would do, and who I would hang with.  I became extremely independent of my parents if not detached from them.  I discovered the power of my will and the ability to control much of what happened to me.  The power of the will is amazing force in a person’s life.  By my  mid-teens I discovered the power of its force.

However, because of the vast neediness in my life and the destructive relational patterns I began making unhealthy choices.  I experimented with, drugs, drinking and sex.  I was running the streets of Denver by the age of 11 until all hours of the night.  I rarely attended school, yet managed to be passed from one grade to the next.  I was drawn to college people who in the early 70’s were engaged in passionate protests against the Viet Nam War, Farm Workers rights, and Feminism.  They readily accepted me as one of their own.  Their attitude was “anything goes.”  By this phase in my live I had developed a relational pattern with older women where my internal expectation and desire was that they would mother me; this has been true of  most my close female friendships or intimate relationships I have had up until the last 18 months ago.  My deep desire for love and acceptance surpassed, my despise for sexual interactions with women.

The Sexual encounters with older women became a normal exchange for the fleeting moments of affection, attention or precious affirming words I longed for. Yet, I was never satisfied.  I felt incomplete and alone and had an unquenchable hunger for love.  It was during this period of time I resolved that I was gay and only wanted to be with women.  Yes, choice does play an important role in gender development; this is something I would have ever acknowledged until the last year or so.

Thank you for following my journey, I apologize for the delay in posting this piece and promise the next one should be posted in the next week.  Your comments and insights are welcomed and appreciated.

Peace to You,


~ by hopespassage on November 13, 2011.

2 Responses to “The Power of Choice”

  1. Good comments, Hope. I would like to add to the conversation if I may. Someone once said that people do what they do because they believe what they believe. Said another way, core beliefs motivate our behavior. When core beliefs change, behavior changes along with them. As a man thinketh, so is he.

    Thanks for allowing me to share.

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