The Plague of Loneliness

As a teen I was extremely independent, by this point my peers considered me an outsider.  I desperately wanted to belong, be accepted and understood.  I interacted well with others but remained detached on an emotional level.  I truly wanted meaningful relationships but felt completely incapable of having them.  Girls my own age were a mystery, and I felt betrayed by my own body as it developed into a young woman.  By this time my relationships with older women would progress quicklyand  intensely; I in-turn grew emotionally dependant on them.  At this point in life had my first encounter with Christianity.  It was the era of the Jesus People and I encountered a passionate band of people who sincerely reached out to me and.  Naturally my love starved heart soaked up the love and attention that was offered to me.

In retrospect ,I truly believe I started out on the right path committing my heart to Jesus but it translated into being loved and cared for by real people; who I secretly idolized to be older sisters and mother figures.  My loyalty was undying and I was willing to do almost anything to keep those relationships.  Because of the fear instilled in me by my parents I felt as though my life or the lives of others would be endangered if I ever disclosed to anyone about the abuse in my life so that remained a secret.  This group also had an intense work ethic and stringent standards about sexual issues.  I remained silent about my sexual and relational history.  Amazingly I refrained,  from any physical relationships or sexual attractions to anyone during my time with this group.  However the leadership seemed to single me out on more than one occasion and falsely accused me of sexual desires towards women and suicidal thoughts.

I was told to fast pray and brought back to publicly repent to the leadership.  This all confused me because it really was a non-issue yet perhaps they had “heard from God” and saw something I didn’t.  It became discouraging and I felt trapped and very much alone.  God seemed at best silent on the issue if not completely removed from my life.  My mood went from discouraged to despair.  I choose to severe my ties with the group.  Went to a few churches and tried to seek help for my homosexual issues.  The response from these churches was either you must have demons or I was shunned and asked to leave immediately.  Those attitudes isolated me from what I characterized as a hateful God and His unloving intolerant people.  With abandoned I entered the gay lifestyle  and spent the majority of my adult life fighting on one level or another, for gay rights and embracing those in the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning (GLBTQ) community.  Yet I wanted inner peace and sought it through Buddhism, Shamanism and Judaism.  Nothing seemed to satisfy me.

~ by hopespassage on November 20, 2011.

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