Reflections


As a child I experienced horrific violence, molestation and neglect.  This in turn influenced my self-image.

As I reached my teens I was deeply wounded and wanted so badly to be affirmed, loved and accepted.  when encountered Christianity I abandoned myself to a less than perfect religious organization in exchange for the love acceptance I felt from its members.

As a young adult I abandon my faith because I believed God and His people to be hateful and intolerant.

As I grew into a young woman I despised men and wanted nothing to do with them.  Women were a mystery and I longed for them to fulfill something I couldn’t.  My dating and relational experiences were with women older than me and I secretly desired for them to be the mother I never had. 

As an adult I gave my being to social justice issues, I fought for the plight underprivileged and at-risk-youth, gay rights, and marriage equality.

In my forties life seemed to be going well I had jobs I loved , a partner who I considered my soul mate all seemed right with the world.

At 46 my life came to a  halt as my car made impact with an SUV; while I was alive I was not functional for a couple of years. I was despondent and felt as if my soul had been murdered.

My world was flipped upside down and shaken to the core.  I began to seek answers through spiritual practices of Buddhism, Shamanism, Judaism, finally with reservation Christianity.

By the age of 48 my once seemingly happy relationship was rocky.  It appeared I had no future and going back to work seemed to be a very remote possibility at best.

Then one scared night during the Jewish High Holidays I said a simple prayer I believe would change the course of my life.  “God if your real I need your help”

At 49 I surrender my life to Jesus Christ and instantly found peace that is indescribable.  I gave Christianity and Jesus a year to see how things would work out.  I tabled the discussion on my sexual Identity because I believe I was born gay.

At 50 I choose to follow Jesus with abandon and to honestly resolve my faith and sexuality.  I have also experienced physical healing and deep inner healing. 

At 51, I am still resolving my faith and sexuality, but I have discovered God to be a caring loving father who has provided for me, protected me, and desires the very best for my life.  God is much bigger than our human definitions and the only label I chose to have is Child of God.

Next month I will turn 52 ( that sounds so old but really I feel more alive than ever), I see a hopeful future in front of me I see my life changing before  my very eyes, often it surprises me the most.  I wouldn’t trade the journey I am on for the world.  I have inward stability even in the midst of darkness, my mind and soul are healing, I have a future, and I want to serve others less fortunate than myself.  I want others to discover who God has made them to be and walk in the potential that God has for their life.

These are my seasonal reflections, this is my life, this is my journey.  I am at peace, I have true joy, and am walking towards wholeness.

I welcome your comments  

Peace be to you my friends.

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~ by hopespassage on December 10, 2011.

6 Responses to “Reflections”

  1. Tikvah-Hope,
    I stumbled a-cross your site this am via twitter, I am a goy-believer who has an intense love 4 Israel. My favorite word Hope, I was extremely bruised as a child everything but sexual. later i will share my story, you encouraged me today. I wanna send this along…http://bit.ly/gPtqiA….ani ohave atah oh just thought of this too…http://bit.ly/noYSP8

    Muah
    Edi

    • Tikvah Edi
      thank you for your comments. I am sorry you faced brusing as a child I pray that our heavenly father will extend healing and peace to you.
      Thank you for sharing your blog. I almost converted Judaism my former partner was Jewish and I loved Temple and many of the traditions.

      Shalom,
      Hope

  2. I love redemption stories! Thanks for sharing yours. Blessings… Tamara

  3. Praising god for his mercy and grace to you through all the years of pain. Jesus is our hope and it is a delight to have you in the family of God my sister. Let’s tell the world about Jesus.

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