So This is Christmas

And so this is Christmas insert frumpy face here!  There are a variety of reasons for this Grinch like attitude.  In my family holidays and birthdays was just another day, nothing special.  Secondly, the violence in our house escalated tremendously.  This repetitive cycle instilled a lot of fear and anxiety within me.  Most often I was not even noticed expect to be slapped around or used in a sexual manner.  So, for me I didn’t see anything merry or bright and for certain I knew very little about this baby named Jesus.

Once I left home and discovered another world filled with lights trees, gifts and family gatherings.  Over the years my friends have invited me to their houses for the holiday gatherings.  I have always felt like an outsider looking in at best, socially awkward at holiday gatherings.  Being the social butterfly I love being around people, but my own life experiences made it painful on the inside to relax and embrace those warm holiday moments.  Pain more often than not, isolated me in a roomful of happiness and caring people. 

I found alcohol to be a nice way to numb my pain for about ten years.  I also made sure to not be alone as much as possible.  Yet deep inside I was not happy.  I have been on a variety of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants over the years after my car accident I was on over twelve of them.  Yet I have been imprisoned by my pain.

For the last three years I have been going through a healing process.  My new friends here in East Texas have been inclusive of me in their festivities and family traditions.  .

this last year I have come off all 31 medications I was on.  I would say at times my emotions have been raw, but overall it feels good to be in touch with those emotions.  I live alone and have good friends who care for me.  I am blessed.    As Thanksgiving came to an end;  that familiar black cloud filled my heart.  It was as if someone pulled the carpet out from under me. Wham, Bam I was fighting to not cry and scream constantly.  I felt like every bit of the subsiding pain came back instantly.

It has been a struggle some day’s just to maintain a very demanding schedule and interact with others in a civil manner  I decided at one point to start sharing with a couple of my accountability people who have encouraged me to work through this cloud rather than avoid it.  The inner-healing that has been taking place this month at a much deeper level.  The tears that I have a tendency to keep locked down tight are starting to flow freely.  The pent up fears and anxieties are dissipating.  Not because of a feel good religion or using God as a substitute for the pain.  It is because God is walking with me through the pain and helping me to finally release it in a healthy manner.  I have always feared if I let go of this pain and just cried that I would have a psychotic break.  Instead each time, I cry of late I feel more alive and whole than ever.  I know what is happening is the result of Gods healing touch no amount of counseling of therapeutic processes could have ever release the silent screams within me.

This last Sunday I awoke and decided to read the Christmas story; as I read about the wise men who followed the star to worship the newborn King; something unlocked within my spirit knew this is the true meaning of Christmas worshiping King Jesus, he is not a political king He is King of my heart.  He came to seek and save that which was lost.  I have been lost and without meaning or value, yet the son of God died that I may be found, I now have true purpose and know that he treasures me.  This week I put up a tree and started to enjoy Christmas from a very different perspective.  The painful scars of Christmas’s past are fading and the joys of new ones have just beginning.

“So this is Christmas, another year over and new one just begun.  What have you done? ”    John Lennon

Perhaps this season you are trapped in the darkness of pain.  The question is will you remain it’s prisoner or find freedom and healing?  I pray that you each will find the peace that the Prince of Peace, Jesus so freely offers you. 

Your comments are always welcome

~ by hopespassage on December 22, 2011.

9 Responses to “So This is Christmas”

  1. I wish you a Christmas time filled with rest, peace and joy in the heart.

  2. My story is different than yours Hope, but I do understand the pain of abuse and the scars left behind. How they effect today…..the here and now. Holidays are hard for me too. I am walking through my own journey of healing. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate you sharing your story, more than you know. I hope and pray that you or anyone else, who has ever experienced any form abuse will overcome. The abuse I experienced was physical and religious abuse. God is showing me little by little that what I experienced from other people; was not of Him. I have lots of unanswered questions about why? I will probably never know the answers to those questions, but I do know that God is the answer to my healing. I am overcoming, little by little….one day at a time. God is showing me who He really is. Not what others have portrayed Him as. Sincerely, Jane Cole

    • Jane,
      thank you for sharing. Pain is Pain and although our experiences may be very different in the end how it can isloate us and make us feel trapped and invalueable is much the same. We all experience pain in this crazy messed up world, by crazy messed up people. We also can cause others pain. What amazes me is God is there to heal us and walk through it with us. He also can help us to relate to others in a healthier way.

      Good for you for walking through it and getting to the roots of it.

      May you find healing and freedom in goodness of God and experience who He real is


  3. Hope,

    Just the thought of what you had to experience during your childhood totally breaks my heart. I cannot grasp in my mind how anyone can hurt and be cruel to a child in any form or fashion. It angers me to know there are people out there harming their children (behind closed doors) as I write this. It sickens me.

    I thank you for sharing your amazing journey that led you to the Truth and the Light. You continue to inspire me in your spiritual walk with Jesus and the beautiful fruit you are bearing. Thank you so much for being a wonderful example for me and other Christians to follow. May your story continue to bless others who are lost or may have lost hope in this dark world.

    I wish you a very merry Christmas filled with true joy! May God continue blessing you and using you to bring His people back to Him and may your good and kind heart always find peace in Him.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Karen Luman

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