So are You Ex-gay?


Many may also wonder if  I consider myself ex-gay.   The short answer is no I don’t.  The implications of being ex-gay in western culture are just to messy to throw myself into that category.    I am discovering that we are far more than our sexuality.  the ex-gay path seems indicate that the end result is to change from gay to straight; it is focused on  controlling ones behaviors,  attractions, and  feelings.    I learnt early on in this adventure that I could only white knuckle my affections and passions for so long unless  a heart and motivational change happened.  Needless to say I had my fair share of of set backs and failures in the beginning of journey.

I had to discover that if I didn’t change why and who I did things for I would inevitably return to to the gay lifestyle.  I had to seek out a new motivation and that it must be center around a  relationship with Jesus.  I had to shift my focus from me to Him perhaps some of the most profound passages of scripture I came across during this time  were the following.

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? Matthew 16:24 (message)

 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?  Is anything worth more than your soul? Mark 8:35-37 (new Living Translation) 

The question for me became, is my need for a relationship with a woman more important than losing my own soul?

Was I willing to lay down my desires for women and allow Jesus to be in the drivers seat?  Admittedly until I answered this question honestly I struggled immensely with my own desires to make this new found faith and walk with God work and what I felt I needed seemed natural to me.  At times it felt like a life and death struggle and that I was not going to make it no matter what I choose.  There was a letting go and death of sorts occurring within me.  It was a death however that was leading to life.  For 18 months I continued to be gay  identify, however God was working in my life and revealing Himself to my heart and mind.   My point of  view was changing, I felt less compelled to define myself in terms of my sexuality.  I wasn’t ex-gay, anti-gay, un-gay or straight.  I was finding myself identified more as a follower of Jesus and Gods child than anything else.   I was shifting from a life revolving around sexuality to spirituality.  I was moving  beyond identity politics.

These changes occurred not because someone was shoving the Bible down my throat and demanding that I change.  Much to my own surprise I found myself accepting Gods original intent for my life.  I have learned that God designed men and women each in His image.  He intended for men and women to live together in a complimentary relationship with each other.  He designed sex to be the most intimate expression for humanity to have with between each other.  As a result of this intimacy He designed the marriage covenant as a process to protect that special relationship.  So how did humanity stray so far from God’s intention for our lives?  I think it occurred at the moment that Adam and Eve choose to become like God.  When they each decided to disobey and eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, that one-act of selfishness sent humanity on a downward spiral.  Their choice effected humanities  relationship with God, how we view and interact with each other as men and women we went from complimentary to competitive.  We went from God focused to me focused.  It damaged how we viewed ourselves.  Our self-image and sexuality has been taking a toll ever sense and the world has been on a self focused course ever sense desperately trying to fulfill our own needs with anything or anyone other than God.

I know that for some to face the fallibly of our own humanity, is undesirable.  It was a tough call for me to face my own selfishness and how I had moved away from Gods original intent.  We were design for relationship with God, secondly to live in a complimentary relationship with one member of the opposite sex and then in community with the rest of humanity.  How far we are from Gods intention in our world today.  On a whole humanity seeks its own pleasures at any cost.  It is not uncommon for parents to molest, abuse and neglect their children.  Men and women use each other sexually and readily discard the other when there is no more pleasure.  We live in a world where the lack of healthy parenting and role models leaves children with feelings of inadequacy and gender confusion.  Many grow-up seeking to fulfill their needs of inadequacy in same-sex relationships.  Rarely is the primary focus of those relationships about the sex.  Most often it is two needy people drawn to each other because they each see a deficiency in themselves that the other person posses and they will meet the need they have.   In the next few posts I will attempt to convey how we can reconcile ourselves to Gods original intent for each of us.

I welcome any comments, discussion, or questions from you.


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~ by hopespassage on January 14, 2012.

15 Responses to “So are You Ex-gay?”

  1. looking forward to reading the next part. im on a journey which can be related to everything you have described in this passage. far from where i need to be but hoping to go in the right direction

  2. Once again Hope, you have challenged me to a new level. In case no one told you today, I appreciate you!

  3. Hope – I will continue to hold you in my prayers; although you seem happy, this journey you have chosen makes me very sad.

    • Cathy, thanks so much for your prayers. You are in mine as well. Know th at these were difficult decisons that were well process and I reached a point where I knew I had one of two options accept the truth of Gods word or reject it all together. I am very content and at peace. My prayer is that youwill find peace and contentment as well. BTW I have a friend here who plays the violin as well she often makes me think of you when I hear here play

      • I am more content/at peace with my life than ever, and in my relationship with my partner AND my God. Thank you. Much love, Cathie

      • Glad to hear that Cathie,

        Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.
        John F. Kennedy

  4. It was as though I was reading my own writing. These are the thoughts that desperately need to be conveyed to church families perplexed with seeking to reach out to those who are same sex attracted.

    These are the very points I share when speaking at churches or colleges. I’m sure you have heard it before: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, but holiness.

    Satan has gradually and successfully convinced modern society that sex is our identifier. Self control, study and prayer changes our identity into what Christ originally intended for all His children.

    I was very blessed by reading this and will continue to read more of your thoughts.

    I identify as a “New Creation” in Christ as He promises in 2 Corinthians 5:17

    God bless you and thank you so very much for sharing.

    http://www.knowhislove.com

  5. Thank you for sharing your journey. I have great respect for your process.

    “This is the victory that overcomes the world, even our faith.”

    As you have found, it’s all about being in a relationship with the Living God of the Universe. It’s so awesome that He loves each of us personally.

  6. I learn from your sharing. Please keep it up and thank you.

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