Swimming Against the Current

In this journey there have been times that I felt as though I were betraying who I was by choosing not to continue in the gay lifestyle.  I have been on the other side and been appalled when I heard of others leaving the lifestyle in favor of following Jesus.  To be honest I was harsh in judgement of those people.  I thought that they must be confused or perhaps even brainwashed.   For many in the gay community, changing one’s sexuality or even choosing not to actively pursue of same sex relationships  is seen as a heinous act of betrayal.  Straight people, for their part, always want to know why I switched sexuality (often with the  unspoken implication that I was somehow behaving strangely when I was a lesbian but I’m ‘all right’ now).  

From my stand point I lived within the lifestyle because being a lesbian was who I was, not something I choose to be. I believed I was gay identified from 10 or 11 years old I had no attraction towards the opposite sex.   Again I do not believe sexuality is a black and white issue and I believe there is more than just DNA or choice to factor into ones sexuality.  A person’s  sexuality is far more fluid in nature.  I think ones sexuality includes but is not exclusive to the following factors:  biology/genetics, environment, choices, emotions, personality, and spiritual

At the beginning of this process, I felt as if I were betraying my own being; after all I was created to be as a lesbian.  There was an internal conflict for almost a year and half. I felt strongly that I was born gay and that God created me as I was.  My biggest question was ; did God create gay people this way and then say,they are condemned to hell for being what He made them to be?  I agonized for many months over my own gender identity. During this time God’s word began to penetrate my own heart.  How could I possibly come to terms with all this?

It hit me one day that God and Bible were either true or not true at all and that there could be no middle ground.  Truth demands a response either one accepts it or rejects it.  To hang in the balance is the most defeated frustrating place to live.  Funny how we as humans can justify anything that will make us feel comfortable or suits our own needs.  I knew at that moment that if I were to continue to follow God and comply with His word (the Bible) I was all in, even if it meant going against the flow.  Swimming upstream against the current was not unfamiliar to me; I have always been a non-conformist and stood for what I have believed in.  I have always admired the strength that salmon Koi fish display as they fight against the current to return their spawning grounds.  It also occurred to me that following God was a choice even if it meant never having another relationship with someone.  This for me was counting the cost it has been an expensive cost to pay to be sexually pure and   live single for the rest of my life was unbearable at times.  To even consider the possibility of not being born gay has been an epic and intense struggle.  I have at times felt alienated by both the faith and gay communities because I was at odds with them both.  I know I have lost friends who mean a great deal to me.  All of this aside I knew I wanted to follow this God of the Bible and his spoken word the Bible.

So, the first steps in resolving my faith and sexuality were:

  • Actively choosing to commit my life to God.
  • Believing that the Bible was wholly True
  • Responsibly reconciling every aspect my life to the truth of Gods word.
  • Honestly evaluating my past and seeing where there may be differences in my point of view and Gods.

I do realize that most people would not go to these majors, but I am an all in or not at all type person.   This has not been an easy process, yet with each passing day the contentedness and peace within me makes every part of the journey worth it.  I have joy that lasts even in the midst of sorrow and darkness.  I wake up with meaning and purpose each day even on the mundane days.    I am not pursuing a religion but cultivating a relationship with the one who formed me.  There is a big difference.  Religion is full of rules and behaviors; that in turn lay false and burdensome expectations on people to conform to. Relationship extends grace, seeks for the highest good of the other, gains trust and builds dreams.  If it sounds like a love relationship it is. As crazy as it may sounds my relationship with Jesus is far more authentic and stable than any I have ever had

As always I welcome your comments and any honest and open discussions

~ by hopespassage on January 19, 2012.

6 Responses to “Swimming Against the Current”

  1. Wow, love it! I attended a Christian conference 2 weeks ago, and one of the things the speaker said was that you can either accept ALL of the Bible as being true of NONE of the Bible as being true… accepting only part of the Bible as true is as good as believing that none of the Bible is true… deep thoughts to ponder upon…

    God Bless,

  2. Thank you some much for opening a dialog. I am blessed. I struggled with IF God made me gay, if I was born this way, then God is responsible for my sin. The Lord blessed me with a His simple truth that freed me. God Created and ordered all things. This order is absolute and can not be changed. Truth is what He, the Creator, determined. Everything in me and my world can be broken down this way: TRUTH, FAITH and FEELINGS. Truth comes first then faith is built upon His truth, and last of all my feelings are a response to truth and faithful decisions. My faith must always be depended on the truth and my feelings must in response to the decisions I the act on the truth by faith. Feelings is where the pleasure and enjoyment of life comes from! some how my Feelings become the most important thing then I begin to distort truth and faith in order to make my world fit togther. Living on “feelings” made my life backwards. Those feelings I had of being different when I was child, those feelings did not come from God. They were the result of sin that was done to me. Bad things happen to children way too much. Children were made to be under the guidance and direction of loving, caring, spirit lead adults. When this doesn’t happen, for whatever reason, then deception enters the picture. In my finite childish mind I begain trying to make sense of the feelings that came from the horrible things that happened to me. When there is ignorance of the Truth Well, then the deceiver comes in to plant the lies that lead to years of my building on a wrong foundation-lies. Now that I have put feelings in their proper place I must destroy everything built on the lie, and Then rebuild on the true foundation of His truth. By faith this truth set me free. Until then, I assumed I would forever be a fish out of water, never being a true and full member of the world God created because I would never be normal. That is also a lie. My feelings, in truth by faith I believe, can be made whole again.

    • WoW Susan
      Some really great things that you shared, Thanks so much for sharing. Accepting truth is an act of faith! I am on my phone right now and when get to a computer I will comment more

  3. I am thankful that God has touched your life, and that you can openly share your life and testimony with others. We serve a great God, and He cares for each of us. Keep your trust in Him! Although we may not have the answers we want to have, some answers may not be something He thinks we need. Keep your eyes focused upon Him, and He will guide you all the way to Glory. I’ll be praying for you. God Bless

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