Faith with Reservations


Back in 2006 as the result of the car accident, there came a point where I found no meaning or purpose in life.  I felt controlled by my circumstances and by those I was depending on.  The therapists and Doctors really didn’t give me much hope of ever returning to much of a productive life.  That brought me right back to my childhood and the lack of value , affirmation, affection and positive attention I received growing up.  There I was a 40 something year old woman trapped with the same core issues I had accumulated as a young girl.  If you know anything about lesbians particularly butch women they do not deal well with emotions or vulnerability.   I pretty much was a broken and lost person and just wanted to put an end to misery.
I reached out for help upon insistence yet conventional therapy was not working,  hands on healing provided some relief but not enough.  The Buddhist meditations were not long-lasting, Shamanism seemed far-reaching and something I could not control. I became very intrigued  with Judaism  the Jewish God seemed approachable and yet incomplete as well.  Yes I was searching for answers, meaning and love.  Three years ago I would have wagered a million dollars that the Christian faith and Jesus would have been the last place I would have  found the answers I was looking for. This year on  Febuary 13 in 2009 I will have surrendered my life to Jesus Christ

I was drawn at first to Jesus because of the peace he offered my chaotic meaningless life and in the same token  I came kicking and screaming into this faith.  I didn’t agree with Christians  I perceived them to be hateful and judgmental people; who somehow deemed themselves morally above others. I had big issues with a loving God who create gays and condemn them to hell in the same breath. Yet I was strangely drawn by a love and peace he offered me.

I was ripe for change and felt like I had nothing to lose so I choose to follow Jesus I told Him,He had one year and under no circumstances was the topic of sexuality open for discussion after all He created me this way and this was how I was gonna stay.

For the next several months  I found myself  growing physically stronger and some of my reading skills returning.  I found refuge in two faith-based support groups s, but just couldn’t bring myself to go to church I was pretty sure Christian people in East Texas openly stoned gay people.  OK maybe not stoned, but took them out in the woods and shot them.  When I did start trying churches I generally meant by a cold reception.  At one church the Pastor actually came over in told me that something to the effect of “they believed that  where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, but not all things were of God.”  To which I responded “so, in other words Gods OK with you, as long as you are not gay”  That left him speechless and I stayed and moved to the center right where he would be forced to have to look at me.  I think we both were equally uncomfortable that morning.

Did I mention I was an angry lesbian!

It was a pretty lonely time in my life I had uprooted myself from my friends and moved 2,500 hundred miles away to follow Jesus on a whim it seemed.  Even I doubted that I had done the right thing.  Yet here I was and I needed to make it life work on my own.  Many of my friends back in Seattle were convinced I had either lost my mind completely or was sucked into some weird cult.

One Sunday morning I was watching TV and the church where I attended a recovery group at came on.  The Pastor came on and started talking a about the collision of ones faith and world view.  That caught my interest, so much so I got dressed and drove to the church.  I arrived just in time for services my heart was in my throat.  No one was looking at me funny or holding rocks in their hands they seemed genuinely happy to meet me.  I slipped in and sat on the back row as close to the exit as possible.  My recovery group leader saw me as people were meeting each other and insisted I come sit with her and her family you guessed it right up front.  I told her I was good, but she would not take no for an answer.

Awkward moment,being uncomfortable quickly faded as this Pastor started speaking and then stop mid stream and said  if you are suffering from a mental disorder or mental challenge Gods word says in II Timothy 1:7   “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  He went on to say if this is you need to say this verse over your life and as God to restore your mind.    How could he have known the one thing I want most was to have my mind and brain functioning in a normal way. I started praying that verse every day for several months. From this point on my reading ability came back  to full capacity the only thing I wanted to read was the books of John and the Psalms in the Bible and quickly expanded my reading to the first Four Gospels and the Apostle Paul’s writings.   I was discovering who this Jesus was and strongly related to one of the people who had strongly opposed Jesus and the early Christian Church.  I didn’t like a lot of what of Paul wrote.  He was seemed to be hung up on sexual immorality  and he viewed homosexuality as a sexual sin; yeah that didn’t sit so well.  On the other hand he wrote from a Jewish prospective and helped me understand that Jesus was the promised Messiah not a political King but the one that would restore humanity to right relationship with God.

I quickly discovered that Jesus was a radical he associated with prostitutes, social outcasts and found compassion for them.  He was not like other prophets  he stood apart and distinguished Himself not as a  god but the Son of the one true God (Yahweh ( ˈjɑːw or ˈjɑːhw/Hebrew: יהוה‎: The one true God.)  A deep hunger was growing inside of me.  I was conflicted about this new-found faith, Jesus and my sexual identity, but pressed into knowing God.  Daily my health was returning to me along with my mental capacities.  Peace was reality truth was something I hungered for at any cost.

The next steps in this passage for me were:

Reading and meditating on the Bible with an open and honest heart.

Seeking to discover who Jesus really was.

Becoming  involved with an accepting and redemptive congregation.

I look forward to any comments you may have!

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~ by hopespassage on January 30, 2012.

7 Responses to “Faith with Reservations”

  1. Love your honesty, transparency and ability to write! Keep prodding forward! God is going to use you in a great way!

  2. Wow, so much there…Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Hope, so enjoying your heart and so enjoying your mind, thanks Love Kathleen Malligan

  4. We can be amazed to how God reaches out to all of us. For myself, I was a sinner that thought God could care less about me. I am thankful that He does care, and that we walk closer to Him each day. Thanks for your writing, it really blesses my soul. God Bless

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