My Resolve


Clearly Adam and Eve had committed sin James 4:17 says it is sin to know the right thing to do and not do it. Adam and Eve knew the right thing to do not eating from the tree of knowledge but did it anyways.  They had been warned that there would be consequences for their actions. I recently heard for every sin there is a weight; another way saying that is for every action there is a consequence.

It made since to me if God being not only loving but also fair and just was obliged to carry through with the consequences of Adam and Eves pursuit of eating the forbidden fruit.  As I read on to Genesis 3   I discovered what those actions were.

Pain in childbearing; women who want to please their husbands and husbands who lord it over them.  Man was now destined to toil and hard labor.  Each would return to the soil they were created from.  Prior to their actions there is no mention of toil, pain, or death.

That part settled well with my feminist men are the scum of the earth attitude.

Yet what struck me was that just as Adam and Eve pursued becoming like God, humans today do the same thing over and over again. We know better than what God said and take matters into our own hands in essence we pursue becoming like God and venture to master our own lives.

For a couple of months I was engulfed in deep thoughts.  This vain of thought continued to flow through my mind.  So what if I had ventured to master my own life?  Someone was kind enough to ask; so Hope how’s that working for you? Not so well, just a year and half before being asked that question my life was a mess, my long term partner was suggesting living separately( in my mind meant we are done), a car accident had rendered me homebound and most likely unable to work ever again. I could verily read or write much less have clear thoughts in general.  I felt hopeless at that point and made a clear plan to end my life.

Yet in the midst of that mess I discovered Jesus wanted to be part of my life and offered me peace that I had desperately desired.  God was now part of my life and I think without him I would not be writing this blog today or even on the earth breathing.

While I had invited Jesus to come into my life and had learnt a great deal about him in those 18 months; I had not surrendered control of my life to Him.  Was I better than God?  Did I know better than He did how to run my life?  Clearly not!

Was I ready to trust Him? Perhaps to an extent, but not completely; this thought lingered and sunk deep into my spirit.  Other thoughts flooded me as well if I were to embrace that God’s original intent was for all of humanity to be attracted to the opposite sex, where did that leave me?

It felt more like making a choice of life or death and perhaps I was weighing a death to myself. Since I had invited Jesus into my life I had a deep peace and contentment.  I had also experienced a great deal of physical healing.  I was driving, reading, writing, and working. At this point I had gone from 31 medications a day down to nine.  In my mind this was nothing short of a miracle.

As a result of  giving my life to Jesus, I had lost my long time partner and what little sense of security I had.  I moved across the country to the last place on earth “East Texas” I wanted to live; in reality life was better than it had ever been I was at peace and happy.  What did I have to lose?

The answer was nothing yet everything; control, my sexuality and identity.  The decision weighed on me heavily.  Could I trust myself that this was the true and best path for me?

In the end I choose to take this path in September of 2011.  It has been the best and hardest decision I have ever made.  Are all my issues, questions and reservations resolved, no and some may never be known this side of eternity.

I continue to resolve my faith and sexuality.  Along the way I have discovered that there is more to sexuality than genetics.  Environment (how I was raised) the choices I have made and other elements have played a role in me embracing being gay identified.  As a child of God I choose daily to honor his word that commands all of his children to flee from sexual sins.  I am learning to live in the contentment of celibacy and being single.

Perhaps your struggle is not with same sex attraction, perhaps, greed, addiction to substances, lust, adultery, pornography or plain old selfishness have left you without peace discontent with life.  I m hear to say following Jesus is the best decision I have ever made.  It didn’t instantly take all my problems away or give me quick easy answers, but in the end it has been worth losing everything to know and follow Him.  If you would like to know how to do that leave me a comment.

You comments and input are always welcomed

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~ by hopespassage on April 6, 2012.

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