Surrender There is No War

What had gone wrong in my world that I dispised being a woman, this question twisted inside me churning over and over.  At this point of the journey, I returned to a teaching I had been exposed to some nine months earlier called the Roots of Lesbianism through Living Hope Ministries

The teaching focuses on the three A’s, attention, affection and affirmation need for children to thrive and grow into whole and healthy adults.  Our parents are charged with giving the three A’s .   Along with the three A’s by early elementry school children need to bond in healthy way with their same sex parents and form healthy friendships with same sex peers.

For females mothers are to model the beauty  and joy of womanhood and form healthy relationships with men. Their fathers are to affirm their daughters womanhood and model how men should treat women.  Those girls who reaceive all of the above form into beautiful butterflies. Those who don’t turn into black widows who form webs and capture draw others into their web to fulfill their unmet needs.  Women missing all or some of these components have a higher probability of turning toward sexual and relational brokenness. Those who were abuse are even more likily to turn towards excessive promiscuity or lesbianism.

Oh man, the torrent of emotions that flowed within me as heard this and then digested  it for the next  two and half hours as I drove home.  It was true I had lacked all of these components.  Could this be a possible cause to my own sexual identity.  NO WAIT I WAS BORN GAY!  For me being gay was a natural as my brown eyes.

How could what my parents did to me have any bearing on my sexuality?   How could their poor parenting skills have anything to do with my gender identity?  Even if this was true that my upbringing weighed heavily into the mix; it didn’t change who I was at the core of my being.  Who I was born to be.  In this internal whirlwind I heard “Hope I formed you” within my spirit.  That got my attention!  What, God did you just speak to me that you didn’t make a mistake?

 In that moment the war ceased and in that moment I came to acceptance with my womanhood.  I also came    to place of understanding that I was a sexualy and reltionaly wounded broken person in need of healing.   No I didn’t hear your straight now go and sin no more , get a man and be normal.  What I did understand that unless I dealt with the root causes of my wounded broken personhood I would never be able to relate to men or women in healthy manner.

Since early 2011 I have been pursuing healing.  A good friend of mine says this is a process not event.  Getting at the root causes has been painful and slow.  Pulling up on root and sometimes just a layer of the ground it is buried in at a time.  Yet with each root or layer I am finding more of my true self.  I find myself engaging in meaningful, healthy friendships with both men and women. I am grateful that Jesus has come into my life  and I am thankful for the healing I have and am experiencing.  I a woman in process towards wholeness.

Your comments are welcomed

~ by hopespassage on May 6, 2012.

10 Responses to “Surrender There is No War”

  1. Good stuff.

  2. Hope, You are doing a lot of hard work on yourself! Great for you! You are being honest with yourself and with God. This is probably the most difficult thing for anyone to do. But you are doing it. I have 3 very wounded people living with me who did not receive the 3 A’s, but only neglect and abuse so I know how difficult it can be to deal with your ‘stuff’, not to mention my own experience. So just want to encourage you in your journey to keep going. You are a very courageous woman and you have already come so far!!!
    Love ya,

  3. I do enjoy reading your blog my friend! Am so excited for you as you bravely continue in this journey of healing. It really struck me that the image here is a blue butterfly. Don’t know if I’ve ever shared with you the language of butterflies that God and I share but it is a major way that He conveys things to me. The blue butterfly is His presence. I can see that beautiful blue resting on your shoulder as you rest in Him slowly rising with you as you take these steps deeper into His presence.

    • Mitzi
      Thanks for the comment and no you have not shared that with me about butterflies. MY next tattoo will be a butterfly. I have always been drawn to them they are fragile beautiful symbol of transformation and newlife.

  4. Beautiful Hope, I am going to record your story of hearing “Hope I formed you” in my God-sightings journal. I love the sweet, get-to-the-heart-of-the-matter way He spoke truth to you that dealt with the real issue about your womanhood and sexuality. If He formed you, just like in Genesis 1, IT WAS GOOD. Actually, when He made people, we see an upgrade: “IT WAS VERY GOOD.” He did “very good” when He formed you, dear friend! I give thanks for His imprint on your life!

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