I am a Rock, I am an Island…Not!


Simon and Garfunkel’s Song I am a Rock was one of my favorite tunes growing up.  The song paints a verily accurate picture of my emotional status for the majority of my life. I am A Rock

Checkout the second verse in the song.
I’ve built walls, A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island.

Those who know me know that I posses an extroverted personality.  Yet I tend to keep people at a distance and trust is built over a course of time.  That in and of itself is healthy way of relating; the challenge in the past for me is my walls were build of steal and I found it impossible to trust people with the pain stricken person I was.  I hide behind my sexual orientation and being out loud and proud were my weapons.  My emotions and true self remained buried in a heavily guarded citadel, which very few have ever seen.  I longed for long-term meaningful friendships and relationships, but found them impossible to keep.  When it came to vulnerability I most often would put the walls up close the door turn tail and run.
The song goes on to say “I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried…Hiding in my room, safe within my womb…I touch no one and no one touches me…And a rock feels no pain; And an island never cries.”

Having experienced traumatic physical and sexual abuse throughout the course of my childhood caused me to stifle my feelings from the point of impact forward.  While this helpful coping mechanism during those horrific encounters; they have not served me well once I left home and entered adulthood.  They have seriously affected the quality of my life and personal friendships.

As I shared in my last post I am in the process of a major change in my emotional health and the main key to my emotional healing has been the formation of an on-going relationship with Jesus Christ.  The second major key in my healing has been the formation of community and support and accountability system.

Community comes in all shapes and sizes, walking away from the gay community, which were like family to me and embracing my faith left a huge void in my life and would say the first year and half of my Christian walk was perhaps most lonely time of my life.  When I decided to check out churches I went with fear and trembling.  I had less than positive experiences with people who called themselves Christians and I found it challenging to believe that those safe within the church walls would want anything to do with me.  I am thankful to have found a church that looked beyond a person’s outward appearances and saw the person God had created me to be.  They also have been willing to walk with me and allow me to discover for myself who God has created me to be.  Thank you, Pastor Tom McDaniels and LifeBridge Christian Center www.lifebridge.tv for walking beside me on this journey.

Secondly, I have been fortunate to find support through people of the faith who understand the complexity of coming to terms with my sexuality and the underlying issues.  The support I found through Living Hope Ministries www.livehope.com  has been invaluable throughout this process.  I am privileged to be able to participate their community.  Here I have found people both young and old who know the extent of their own sexual and relational brokenness, but also know the source of healing, freedom and hope can only be found in Jesus Christ.  The focus is not on behavioral change as much as heart motivation and transformation and engaging Jesus in every aspect of your life.

I have learned that many of my own choices and unhealthy relationships have been the result of deep seated unmet needs stemming from childhood and the dysfunctional relationship with my parents. Surprisingly, as I have began to resolve my own faith and sexuality   I have found an increasing strong desire to honor God with my sexuality.

We are not met to do life alone; we are met to walk side by side one another in healthy relationships.

I recently heard Mary DeMuth www.marydemuth.com/  speak and one of the things she shared was “if you were injured in community, God will choose to heal you in the midst of a new community.”  So true I was deeply hurt by my biological family which in turn rendered me incapable of healthy relating and building community; but I am finding healing and community in the family of God.  Foremost, I am secure in God calling me His daughter and know Him as my father.

Feel free to share your thoughts and comments

The journey continues,

Hope

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~ by hopespassage on June 30, 2012.

7 Responses to “I am a Rock, I am an Island…Not!”

  1. So awesome.

  2. I’m so glad my talk helped a bit in your amazing journey. Your testimony gave me tremendous HOPE that those I love absolutely can meet Jesus. Thank you.

    • Mary you story of healing has equipped me to move forward in my own journey and move beyond the pain to live uncaged as the person God created me to be

  3. I’m glad my little story helped you in your journey. Your testimony really blessed me and gave me hope. Thanks.

  4. The power you controlled before is gone to be replaced with the power God has given you in Him……you are so powerful! Proud of ya for been transparent and letting Him show you what’s next!

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