I Raise my White Flag

For the last two and half years I have been engaging in a cosmic wrestling match with God over my faith and sexuality.  For 50 plus years I believed that the inherent nature of my personality and thinking patterns; demonstrated that I was born gay.  This last week the struggle came to a screeching halt as I sat in a room filled with hundreds of people struggling with sexual and relational brokenness at the 2012 Exodus International Freedom Conference “Made for More”.

It started with a thought provoking statement by Christopher Yuan “Jesus denied His sexuality for us, why can’t we surrender our sexuality to Him.”   My thoughts immediately went to a key verse in the Bible I have been challenged by time and time again.

Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?                          Mark 8:34-37 the Message

Throughout this journey, I have fought hard and long to defend my sexuality and gender identity to God.  Yet this simple but profound statement pierced my soul.  Was it this simple and that difficult all at the same time?  As the day progressed I couldn’t escape the thought that this is what I needed to do.  During worship we sang a song I have never heard before by Chris Tomlin called White Flag.  As we got to the chorus I knew the time had come to stop fighting for my own way; my own self defined identity.

I knew I had to surrender my sexuality to Jesus; he had laid down His life for me how could I hold on to my sexuality telling Him I knew what was best. At the end of the session and with no fanfare or even another person knowing what was transpiring I surrendered my sexuality to Jesus.  This was a definitive moment in my journey and this whole process.  All the fight left, and yes more peace flowed within me.

The implication of that choice excited and frightened me all in the same moment. Surrendering my  sexuality was exciting because I was no longer at war within myself and frightened at entrusting my sexuality in to the hands of God.  What does the future hold without identifying me as gay?  Tomorrow will mark one week since I made this choice, do I feel any different?  No not really, I know I made this decision because God lead me to.  I have studied, prayed, and fought with God over the issue; I knew this was the time for me to fully surrender I had enough information and gained enough knowledge to know I could no longer hold on to who I was.

This has been a benchmark decision for me and is relatively fresh decision.  I know for some you will be angered by my choice, others will rejoice and some will not get it at all.  In the end I am at peace with my God and will follow him no matter what the choice is.

I welcome your comments and thoughts,

The journey continues,


~ by hopespassage on July 4, 2012.

27 Responses to “I Raise my White Flag”

  1. That was awesome Hope just awesome post, thankyou love Kath

    • Thanks so much the thing that makes it awesome is the living Gd has engaged me in the conversation from the start of this journey and helped me to come to this place.

  2. Rejoicing with you!

  3. WOW! I just discovered your homepage. Hope you’re a strong, inspiring woman of God. I know our Heavenly Father is Well Pleased! I’m so blessed to call you my sister, my friend.

  4. God bless you!! I pray for His continued strength as you seek to honor Him in your sexuality. (Christopher Yuan posted your story on Facebook). Jesus is LORD!!!

    • Thanks so much I am humbled by the post from Christopher Yuan. I continue to honor Jesus wth my entire being it is a challenge,but I know he honored me by laying down His life so I can know Him.

  5. hi my name is Gordon ,i’m from a small town i live in gay lifestlye for 16 years ,i came to know the lord jesus christ last year .it’s been hard for me what do too.

    • Gordon press into Jesus to meet your needs, get connected to people who offer a redemptive attitude about your struggle.

      A great resource for me me has been an on-line forum provided by and moderated by living hope ministries.

      http://www.livehope.org it takes a day or two to get approved but regardless of where you are in your journey there are folks there who can help you

  6. thank you, this post helps me with understanding, maybe accepting that I am single. Thanks for quoting Christopher Yuan and revealing your struggle. It covers a lot of issues regarding sexuality.

    • K I am glad my words may have encouraged you; another statement I took away from Exodus was being single is a gift and being married is a gift. I think the key is to be content regardless of your status

  7. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. Life is a series of choices we make all the time. And the enemy always tries to make what’s right seem too unattainable, and make what’s wrong feel so right in the near term, but choosing Jesus is both extra-ordinary and doable…didn’t say easy…Thank you. May all of us realize Sin is what breaks us, and Jesus is what heals us!

    • I would agree n one hand it is a sin problem that involves both my own choices and those who sinned against me. Sexually and relation-ally broken people generally are generally hurt and wounded by other hurt and wounded people.
      Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and bring life

  8. Rejoicing with you, Hope. Thanks for your honesty and passion. Love the quote by Yuan.

  9. Hi Hope: I love this post and support you no matter what or where you go. By the way, did you know that you are a talented writer? Peace

    • Mar Bear
      I am so happy to hear from you!!! Please say hello to the Olympics for me I miss Seabeck State park and think of you when ever the place crosses my mind which is often.

      Thanks for your support my friend. Thanks for the kind words about my writing as well. tell all the animals hello for me.

  10. Hope, I can say congratulations! You have found your way to the next level with God, it is not whether your gay or straight, it’s all about surrendering our self to Him. I have been praying for you to reach the level God has set for you, I will be praying for His leadership in your life. Remember this, it’s not important what we think, or what any one thinks, except for God. Let God be God, and all the Glory will go to Him.

  11. Oh miss Hope you’re about to embark on an amazing journey. Stay strong in your Faith! We’ll be praying for you!!

  12. I am the mother of a daughter who is in a relationship with a female. She has been hurt by boyfriends in the past. She admitted that she knows this is a choice she is making but she feels she is not letting go and she told me ” you just have to accept it, mom”. My heart is broken, partly for selfish reasons, like wondering if I will get to see her get married. I’m the most heart broken because I know this isn’t what God wants for her and I see the heartache she will suffer. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, except to ask you to pray for her. I love her so much. Thank you for your blog, I know that I can’t “fix” her, I just want her to have the walk with God that he intends for her.

    • Brenda thanks for sharing some of your story. I will pray for her I have a list of friends with relatives who are gay identified. My I recommend that you join the on-line forums of Living Hope Ministries http://livehope.org/ they have a friends and family forum where there folks you can relate to.

  13. Hi Hope, I am an ex-homosexual man in his late 20s who is a born-again, holy-spirit-filled christian. I have been trying to surrender my sexuality to Jesus for the past 6 year, without success. I am still heavily tempted on a regular basis. What steps would you recommend for me?

    • Joshua,

      I wish I had a quick easy step by step answer to your question. For me it has involved reevaluating my worldview, and getting at would could be contributing factors.

      I a good support system, which has really helped me to be able to process all this. They not love Jesus but also understand the nature of the struggle.

      You can tap in to one of the resources at www.http://livehope.org/ it is a moderated on-line forum with volumes of resources to help you along the way I highly encourage you to join the the forums you will find folks just like you at various stages of the journey.

      stop back by and chat anytime

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