Coming to Terms

New questions began to rise to the surface of my heart I was gaining understanding about men and women and even some acceptance.  However nothing pointed me towards God’s blessing on same-sex attraction.  The creation story seemed silent on this point.  Did it matter to God?  The indications of Genesis one and two, were that that every aspect of the garden was perfect and that all creators enjoyed life, peace and relationship with its creator.  I was greatly impacted by God breathing his spirit into humanity and generating a man created in His own image.  That’s a pretty powerful concept humanity received the breathe and spirit of the living God and all humans bear the image of God. God recognized the solidarity of man and created not an equal but another who was complimentary to himself.  The beauty of each gender being drawn to the other is an interesting perspective.  This insight still did not explain how members of the same-sex could be drawn to each other to my satisfaction.   As I read on into Genesis chapter 2 it was hard to ignore the distinct creation of the two genders not equal, but separate and distinct.  I was starting to understand the original intent of the creator for each of the genders and it was drastically different than my own opinion.  I had come to believe that God did not value men and women equally.  The Christian’s I had encountered prior to embracing my faith; placed men on a higher level and devalued women.   Gods unbiased acceptance of both genders was a crucial concept for me to come terms with.  During this time I shared very little of the study I was immersed in and I really felt it was for me and God to come to terms with the questions I had.   At this juncture I was willing to accept Gods intent for men and women.  However I was unwilling to embrace my own womanhood or reject my sexual orientation.

At the same time  an increasing desire to honor God more and more with my life.  I was changing even in my physical appearance.  No not so much in my clothes, or physical stance.   I am talking about from the inside out.  I would look at myself in the mirror and see softness and in my face and years seemed too lifted off of me.  My eyes were brighter and overall I was more joyful.  There was also mental and physical healing happening.  Each time I would visit the Doctor they would suggest that I drop one of the 31 medications I had been on just a year before.  I had less physical pain and I was regaining more of mental capacities.  I was working a part-time job and emotionally I had a sense of hope growing within me that perhaps my life could have meaning and purpose once again.  All of this was a miracle to me.  Just a year and half before, I felt there was no reason to even move forward with my life.  I could verily read I was held capacitive by intense physical pain life empty.  I believe God was and continues to heal me.  The very fact that I could study and draw the conclusions I was is a testament to this fact.

God was willing to take me at my own pace when it came to facing the issues around my sexual orientation and womanhood.  He seemed to be more concerned to heal the wounds and fears of my childhood than address the gender identity issue.  I was growing more content just to live independently and not engage in a relationship.  That is not to say I didn’t battle with at times intense sexual desires because I did.  I was becoming aware tha those desires were more about a deep seated need to be held and nurtured than the sexual experience.  To be honest I realized that I had for many years surrendered to sex in exchange for the embraces and tender moments of acceptance and the words I love you.  Those were fleeting words because they only lasted in the moment  I acknowledges that there had always been a void within that never seemed to be filled by my partners and I always hungered for more it was a relentless cycle.  I was discovering there were some key factors to this emptiness.  I had unmet needs from childhood forward.  I had never bonded with my own mother or father in a healthy manner.  If you have been following my story you know that my childhood was far from normal as well as my family of origin.   How did any of this relate to the story of creation and the creation of the gender?  I was about to discover the answers as I dug into Genesis 3.

~ by hopespassage on February 21, 2012.